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[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[eats all your cotton candy]
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol