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DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Admin smashed it 😂
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”