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Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.