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WWE is French for “yes”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale