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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half