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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane