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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Great acting.. 😂
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
#milo
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.