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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
me after eating Cheetos
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.