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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
How do you milk an almond?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Uh oh 👀
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99