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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about