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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks