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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)