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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]