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As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.