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Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit