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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*