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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*jingles half the way*
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here