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But wait…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“i miss shittin on people”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”