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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!