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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
normalize having existential bread
How I like cutting carbs
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.