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Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like βwhy does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? Sheβs so weird.β
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. ππ
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if youβre scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. Itβs been a guiding principle of my adult life.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I need a plethora of PiΓ±atas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I donβt have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.