You Might Also Like
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Duolingo getting serious.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
im all 3
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products