You Might Also Like
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too