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*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Tremendous stuff
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’m an avid indoorsman.