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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
be safe out there!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.