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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv