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Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I hope Alan is OK
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*