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me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
peak technology
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My patronus is a cheeseburger
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Hamburger Hinderer.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.