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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”