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It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
can’t bark with your mouth full
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”