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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god