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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*