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ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.