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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
#SuperBowl
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog