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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
It’s his time
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
very niche meme I made
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.