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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.