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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
As per my last nervous breakdown
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.