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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
so this horse walks into a bar
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe