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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.