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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
That 👊
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
