You Might Also Like
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.