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Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
courtroom exchange of the day
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins