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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.