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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
i choose….tongue
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Oh, I bet you would be
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.