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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I will never stop laughing at this
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit