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Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The best shot in the history of golf
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.