You Might Also Like
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.