You Might Also Like
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
dutch so unserious
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I need to sieze this.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere