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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem