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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Hey! This isn’t my car!
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
❤️
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.