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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me, in DM rooms…
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.