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*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk