You Might Also Like
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
channeling her this year
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.