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[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian