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Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I can’t be the only one 😂
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
i really liked this one
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.