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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
this is so top tier i cant