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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
it takes so much energy
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My dad teaching me to drive
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE