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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Fiction has to make sense.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
my retirement plan is braless
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
live, laugh, laundry.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*