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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Fries, not lies.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
this was the best i’ve ever seen