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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The Joker was right
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.