You Might Also Like
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.