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Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]