You Might Also Like
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
technique
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …