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What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
what day is it?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??