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ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
BRAKING NEWS!!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Whoa 😂
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day