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Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
They got Raph!
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.