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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I hope it’s French Onion!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
