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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.