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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
In Canada they just call them geese