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I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.