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Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
called in thicc to work this morning
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.