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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar