You Might Also Like
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.