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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.