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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.