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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
what
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
look scared
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
This guy’s not having it 😆
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.