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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Oh hi lol
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
no!! no!!!!!!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that