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1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Banking tips
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.