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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi