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I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“our sushi is very fresh”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
“How’s your day going?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck