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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.