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I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions