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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
The struggle is real.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years