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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Bros before Ohioes
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”