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My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.