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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Candles never taste the way they smell
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Comparing yourself to others
