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Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.