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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
lol
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.