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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you